Chapter 3: Speak Up Even When It Costs You: From "The Big F#cking Book on How to Be a Decent Guy"
Here’s something I’ve learned the hard way:
Doing the right thing doesn’t always feel good. It’s not always safe. It’s not always rewarded. But it always matters.
Health Class, 1990s
Small-town America. Conservative. The kind of place where the worst thing you could be called… was gay.
We’re in health class. The teacher starts a unit on HIV/AIDS. And the whole thing turns into a parade of misinformation and homophobia. Jokes. Blame. Bluster.
I remember sitting there thinking: This is wrong. And for once, I didn’t keep it to myself.
I raised my hand and said:
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being gay.”
Dead silence. Then came the pushback. I lost friends. Got bullied. Spent the rest of that year wondering if I’d made a huge mistake.
But I hadn’t. Because what I’d actually done was practice being the kind of guy I wanted to become.
Doing the Right Thing Isn’t Always Popular
I don’t tell this story to get applause. I tell it because we need to normalize the cost of doing the right thing. Especially for young men.
It’s easy to stand up for others when it’s cool, safe, or hashtag-approved. It’s harder when it costs you your reputation, your popularity, your peace.
But that’s when it counts most.
How That Moment Shaped My Life
That awkward, painful moment in health class was a turning point. It’s the moment I realized that values without action are just opinions.
Since then, I’ve gone on to:
Research public health and LGBTQIA+ equity
Build companies where inclusion isn’t a checkbox
Work alongside brilliant people across the LGBTQIA+ spectrum who’ve taught me what allyship really means
But I wouldn’t have gotten there if I hadn’t first learned how to sit in discomfort without backing down.
What I Want Young Men to Know
If you’re reading this and you’re teenager, or raising someone who is, here’s what I want you to hear:
🛑 You don’t have to be the loudest voice in the room 📢 But you do have to be a voice, especially when the room gets quiet
🫱🏼🫲🏽 You don’t need to know everything 💡 But you do need to notice when something’s off, and choose not to look away
💪🏻 You don’t need to be perfect 🧭 You just need to show up for people in ways that sometimes may cost you something
That’s how integrity works. That’s how decent guys are made.
P.S.
This is Chapter 3 from my new book The Big F#cking Book on How to Be a Decent Guy - a self-help guide for young men who want to do better, be better, and lead without being a jerk.
💥 If you liked this chapter, you can preorder the book now at a 60% discount ahead of the July 2026 release: 👉 inclusiveleadership.solutions/store/p/the-big-fcking-book-on-how-to-be-a-decent-guy
👦🏽👨🏻👨🏿🦱 If you’re raising a teenage boy - or mentoring a young man who’s trying to figure things out - please share this with them. And if they have thoughts or questions, I’d love to hear them.
Let’s give the next generation a better blueprint for masculinity.
Not louder. Just better.
